Suffering from a case of low self-esteem tonight. :c
"We are mosaics. Pieces of light, love, history, stars… Glued together with magic and music and words."
I keep waking up so I figured that maybe writing my thoughts will help me ease my mind so I can fall back asleep.
This week is band camp at my old highschool and it’s still really strange being at my house, preparing for college, while that continues on without me. I think it has started to make me actually realize that I am going to college and frankly, well, I think I might be scared. I mean, everyone is scared going to college, but I sometimes wonder if my college of choice is in fact the right choice, or if college in itself is the right choice. Going through high school, I always knew I was going to college because it’s “what you do” after high school, but part of me wonders if I really am going to benefit from this experience in the long run. My major isn’t exactly the most promising career choice, considering how anxious I get when people ask me, “What are you majoring in?” And I answer, “Studio art; I’m going to be a starving artist and live in a box,” and I laugh, and they laugh along with me, because they agree that my area of study is… well… a joke. But that aside, I am at least going into college doing what I love; and although I fear that I might get pressured to quit, I am just going to take my mother’s advice and take it one day at a time.
I’ve been watching Gossip Girl and part of me is reassured that I will meet new people and make friends even though I am not joining a sorority or living on campus. (The characters in the show do neither and they made friends) (I don’t know why that is reassuring because that show is extremely unrealistic)
For some reason I saw a picture of me and my closest friends on graduation and thought about a future child of mine asking me about who those people were. I wonder if that will ever happen, or if I will ever have kids, and if it would be a girl or boy.. Or if I will ever even get married for that matter. I don’t even know why I am thinking about this.
Sometimes I wonder if I lived up to my father’s expectations now that all of his children are over 18 and he’s practically done raising me even though I know he isn’t, really. I wonder if he wanted me to be more athletic, or follow his footsteps in some sort of way. I’ve always been on the more artistic side and I wonder if he feels like his legacy was imprinted on me. He’s going to retire soon and go do… his own thing. Whatever that is. I just hope that he feels like he succeeded in raising me, along with my brother and sister. I thought about what it’s going to be like when he dies one day and I immediately had to force that thought out of my head.
I feel like I had a lot more to say but for now I think I can go back to sleep. At least I put my blog to use for the first time in forever.